Lambrini Castle
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DISCLAIMER DISCLAIMER DISCLAIMER what i have written below is completely sensationalised and not the truest representation of who i am i get drunk have a good time have jokes with my friends go home with my friends (no one else) im sat in the library writing this while also doing revision which i have been doing solidily for the past week is that a bad kid!?!?!?!?!?
 
 
6th June
so yet another day of avoiding revision its 2.30pm and the hardest part is starting its so fucking true anywho i gotta a little story about the developments of my obsession of the Winehouse but first yesterdays events cant come unoticed. so me and ceri spent the whole day avoiding revision together oh what a bonding experience lol so we decide to dye our hair but no real red where has it gone no one knows so instead we go for real planet and i get a voucher for male grooming products what the fuck!!! so ceri forces me to accompany her for a bingeat sesh at BK so under immense peer pressure i oblige oh the pain so while we r listening to the oh so delightful BK soundtrack including nelly and kelly dilemma, me and ceriann discuss her future newspaper column we decided on the name sex and the sheep or sheep and the city due to ceris name similarity to carrie and her welshness we go to mels salon our hair turns out stunning im so happy!!!! then we mess around on the net till someone behind us kept saying the word pizza so of course we ordered a pizza or what joys the foreigner gave us on the phone then we decided to check how wheelchair friendly weeks hall actually was and suffice to say me ceri and my wheely chair had a few problems including some diserning looks no comment from who!!!! its as if we were drunk without the alcohol oh the power of the lambrini girls if our day had a soundtrack it would indeed be amerie one thing it is undoubtely r tune of the moment but ceriann what is that one thing i will hunt down amerie and find out trust!!!! so ceri left mine at 12am cos she had an exam in the morning shit im sorry for the bad influence ohmmm so anyway back to the story of the oh so great winehouse
anyone that knows me knows i kinda like the winehouse fuck the obsession is at an all time peak so due to manditas incredible connections gotta love her i met a guy that knows the winehouse i know i shat myself too so we were paryletic and he had no where to go so he came back to mine(u dirty minded buggers u think i would shag him just to get closer to the winehouse ohmmmmm no comment) anywho i wrote a plebby poem about the winehouse (i would post it on here but enough peeps think im a dyke ) so its on my background of my comp (yet again plebby) and he read it and liked it and copied it down and gave it her (in hindsight maybe i shouldnt have given it him the word stalker comes to mind but mashed mel dont careoh u have to love her) so the next 2 weeks were agonising my ultimate lyrically blessed idol was gonna read something i wrote was she gonna like it hate it be worried about my sexual preferences was he even gonna give it her but then i got a text from him saying he gave it amy and she wrote me a reply omg can u feel my palputations rising to my throat so then i was like shit what did she write an example from one of my friends fuck off you lesbian stalker oh how i love my friends lol but that thought had crossed my mind so i got the text on friday and then a call on tuesday from my ultimate legend saying he is in south ken do we wanna meet up he has the reply i have never gotten ready and straightened my hair in my fooking life girlies u know how long i take to get ready and i actually ran to see him eggggggggg im such a pleb ok so here is her reply i am about to share with u my most prized possession apparently she wrote it when she was drunk (omg a woman after the lambrini girls heart)
"Carmella by candlelight nice to meet u&not meet u,

There are 5 things i love & insist on in trying times (like when i cant write & by fuck im blocked now)

1. footwear first before anything eyeliner if your feet are not happy then neither is your grammer.

 2. Remember your nan is the cleverest most beautiful and shrew person ever

 3.Kahlua saves lives and vodka is for birds and jack always and forever

4. if you cant write play and if u can play keep playing

5. dont have sex unless u are wearing shoes

6.dont listen to me .

love amy

ps i love u - get some cats they are nice bye nice to meeeeeeet u"

isnt this woman the most incredible woman in the entire universe right i think i have put my revision off for long enough till next time the challenge to become the winehouses best friend continues.....

Still the 4th of June and yes still avoiding revision it is now the turn of my girl best friend to come down on the weekend of my birthday (3rd of may stick it in your diary no doubt there will b a party in the one and only lambrini castle for it) u think the last story was interesting (egg what if u didnt) well this is beyond (many people have said my life is like a movie this story supports that statement) (shit just gotta plug dizzee rascal here listening to i luv u now oh what a legend who could deny the beauty of fix up look sharp u guys need help)
right let me give u a bit of a background on my girlie lucy know known as lucifer not cos she is the devil (well ohmmmm) but from the jay z tune. lucy has been my best friend and the light of my life for about 2/3years now i have never met anyone that compliments my personality so much we often finish eachothers sentences in some respects we r so similar but then also so different i love her till the death she is my clubbing and drinking buddy from manch and no one can change that. our friendship blossomed from the love of a club called havana (the manch version of the rumba) oh and black men. rite enough of this sloppiness she knows how much she means to me
so when luc came down as soon as we got off the tube in knightsbridge we went straight to sainsburys to buy the cheapest shiteist wine u have gotta love us jews so we got to mine drank and got ready so wen we got to the rumba we were already mashed lucy met the famous veronika and they seemed to get on (egg u will understand the egg reference later) we were both gagging for a slash (classy birds) even before we got on the bus but as the true mash heads that we r wen we got into the rumba we went straight to the bar then wen for a slash. i introduced lucy to the bar rumba staff also know as the kosovan immigrant posse lol. so me and lucy the lightweights that we r needed a sit down after are immense alcohol consumption after being in the rumba for 10mins a group of black guys joined us on the table and we were just too mashed to do anything. lucy what is it with us and black guys im confused we aint fat (ohm) and we defoo aint ginger but anywho the black guys were boring the shit out of us so being the true friend that i am i went outside to see vee and left my girl with the plebs. and who did i meet outside but my spiking kosovan immigrant lover BASH it was his night off and he decided to come to the rumba alone bless but due to my mashedness and loss of all sanity i buzzed off seeing him oh mel where is your self respect i guess it was washed away with that double vodka and diet coke ohmmm anyway so i spent the next 20 or so mins unsubtely flirting with bash completely forgetting about lucy eggggg so she came outside and i introduced her to the bash man and apparently i was very possessive of bash i have no clue why lucy can have him with pleasure so me and lucy had the idea to go on a rikshaw and we decide to take bash (oh me and my girl r actual legends together its like i have no worries wen im with her she is my confidence i love thee) so we find a rikshaw and its like 20quid a person so im like fuck that shit so trust me and lucy to find undoubtedly the fittest rikshaw guy ever (yes mandita he was indeed foreign but u know cant have everything) so we blagged a rikshaw ride around piccadilly circus and back to the rumba for a pound each and lucys number shit im such a pimp for my girlies so me lucy and bash got on the rikshaw (picture evidence below)
 

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it was actually the most fun me and lucy have ever had it was such fooking jokes and yes i blagged lucy to pull i know im a bitch but couldnt resist the funniest thing wen the guy got off his bike and stood up i swear he was like 5ft tall but he was so gorgeous i kept going to lucy just sit down with him and his height doesnt matter lol loving it so we finally get back into the rumba and yes at some point i got off with vile bash im sorry i never learn allow me a drunk pull. so at some point in the night lucy found herself a frenchy (oh the memories luce no comment its too painful lol) im blaming it on her beer goggles fuck i cant joke look at bash and he spikes me lol. so i decide to get off with veronikas mate marvin he comes up to me and goes ive been looking for u all night which in hindsight makes no sense cos i swear i have never met him before but at the time i fell for it and thought that was cute and vee kept saying he was a safe guy at some point that night i also declared my love for dj sharma oh the embarassment (at least it was a man this time) right so again my memory gets a bit hazy do u sense a pattern the next thing i remember is sat down next to marvin and just projectile vomitting on the floor again the phrase classy lady comes to mind. marvin bless him gets me some water as i continue throwing up while lucy bless her is oblivious to the situation and is off getting it on with frenchy who i later found out asked her to go to the toilet with him ohmmm soz luce had to plug that guys skankyness so someone went to get veronika who alerted lucy in the process of this havilla the bouncer who previously barred me walked pass me sat with my feet in a pool of my own sick and asked me if the sick was mine and i said NO WHAT DO U MEAN I HAVE BEEN DRINKING WATER ALL NIGHT as i said this i picked up my water bottle to proove it and dropped it on the floor basically prooving my mashedness to the world so lucy having to overcome her fear of sick took me home i have no recollection of how we got home apparently we got the night bus where i proceeded to throw up (but this time subtly c im learning) so my drunkdar yet again prevailed i got us home and bless marvin came to south ken to help lucy get me home but she couldnt describe to him how to get to mine so we left him stranded somewhere in south ken i think this guy is tapped i bloody threw up on his shoes and yet he came to help me (i must b that good a kisser hey!lol) so we got home and yet again i woke up fully clothed make up smeared all over my face and every bone in my body aching (blaming it on those fuck me pumps) so i get changed into a tatty pair of shorts and a hoody get a litre of water and i start popping those pills and guess what fooking happens the fire alarm goes off at 10am cos of a power cut so we had to go outside i didnt think to change my attire or wash my face i just put my hood up lol so as soon as i walked outside everyone just looked at me and laughed its not like they aint seen me like that before so me and lucy went to see mandita outside gardens (her halls) to tell her about our eventful evening im so glad mandita and lucy get on i think they bonded over cigs which i proper buzz off so lucy skanked a cig off a random chinese dude from manditas halls while i continued to pop pills we finally were let back in and as i walked passed the weeks hall lot this medic shorty pleb with a capital fooking P mentioning no names cos i actually cant remember her name cos she aint worth fooking knowing (shit i better calm my arse) well she goes under her breath (how deaf does she think i am) look at her druggie eyes i swear the state i was in i could have decked her one especially since my girl was there 2 back me up so i just said some schnide comment and then me and lucy went back to bed to gain some strength for a second nite in the rumba ohh u know your in for another longen (oh the avoidense of work how i love it lol) so we drink before we go out like the true manchs we r and we r going to meet vee there so we get to the rumba and head straight to the bar loving us too much lol we r such cheap drunks one double vodka and diet coke for me and one glass of white wine for luce and we were gone! but we were so jolly drunk like beyond i have never been so giddy in my life the way i write about this nite does not in the slightest give this nite its props hands down the best nite i have ever had that nite was the defining moment of our friendship i know we will b best friends for life nothing can break us it was just too amazing it was like our immature spark was reunited even wen i dropped my full glass of v and c on my pale denim mini skirt and i looked liked id pissed myself it so didnt bother me cos it was all about the jokes. we were dancing and falling over and just being us i dont think anyone we were with got us we were on a different level of buzzedness. this bald scottish guy who i skanked a cig off (4 lucy dont worry peeps) started chatting me up but then his stunning friend came and i pulled him away and started dancing with him truth betold he wasnt the best dancer but he was fit and canadian (im so in denial that he was american lol) and it was fun teasing and dancing with him and then we pulled and he was a good kisser (u would trust girlies lol) but lucy bless her fucked off her face kept going mel he is jaunge (which is our code word for gingers who we have an irrational hatred of) so eventually after much persuasion i fucked him off to go dance with my girlie so then at one point i was with vee and the man she her dance instructor who she had kinda fallen for ranomly turned up i have actually never seen someone buzz so much in my life it was so cute first time i have seen her genuinely happy he seemed like a safe guy i bit too reserved for me but i was too drunk to care i went back to the canadian guy for seconds where i saw completely fooked lucy get off with the scottish bald guy i assume it was payment for all the cigs she skanked off him ohm u know i love u girl it never happened cos we were drunk lol i was too drunk to save her so i just starting screaming (who knows y) so good old vee came to the rescue and dragged her away i took her to the dancefloor where we all started dancing urm obviously what else do u do. ive gotta big up the dj ultimate legend that nite every tune was a Tune with a capital T u know i milked the hand motion of the T u know i milk it guys but the rumba is pure tunes (lets take a moment to big up dj sharma for bringing bashment into my life) so me lucy sasha (vees australian friend proper safe chick) and her friend got a feeling his name is mark but fook it it dont matter cos as soon as he stepped onto the dancefloor he became known as sledge (a safe legend) in my eyes he did not stop dancing till the music stopped and the lights went up and neither did me or sasha it was the best nite it was all about the dancing for the first time it wasnt about getting off with any guys it was all about the tunes but dont get me wrong me and lucy had moments where we skanked guys hats one guy i skanked his gucci berret and he actually ran after me i thought he was gonna kill me i love my immaturity tho so i got lucy to hook up with an mc in the rumba i thought it was the one that i liked (but was too short for me) but they all look the same so i got the wrong one ohmmm not that she pulled him after that situation that errrr never happened luce got a bit too mashed and wanted to chill so she sat next to vees guy cos he wasnt digging the nite (see i know all u guys can smell trouble but my girl was the innocent party trust!) the hole nite i was trying to get vee and her guy close but i just couldnt see the vibe so towards the end of the nite i was seriously in my own bubble of fun i was dancing jumping just going insane around the whole dancefloor sometimes by myself but i never felt like i was on my bill cos the music surrounded me how plebby does that sound lol but true music lovers understand so at one point vee said her and her guy were leaving hmmmmm so me,luce,sasha and sledge carried on with the nite omg wen the " i cant wait for the weekend" tune came on i have never buzzed more in my life im not even that keen on dance music but that tune reminds me of all my manchy clubs and it was just amazing the buzz me and the sledge were like a dance team no joke it was just amazing i did not want that nite to end i was drenched in sweat with all my 10layers of make up sweated off and i just didnt care i just wanted to dance so me and luce said r goodbyes to our new best friends lol and made r way home i asked her what she thought of vees guy and she was like who so i was like the dance instructor guy and she was like shit he asked for my number and i was like shit they just went home together the best nite of my life just turned into the biggest stress a guy had just played my best friend with my new good friend what the fook do i do and the next morning in a hungover state i had to sort out the mess and it turned out to be worse then expected but im not going to divulge on the internet its not fair to the people concerned plus i cant b fooked to type anymore
till the next time i wanna avoid revision mwahhhh

4th June
ok so i know i have been shit in updating my diary its not cos i have had a boring month i have actually had a pretty eventful month i have just been a lazy arse (no shock there) Anywho I know u wanna here about my latest shenanigans right where do i begin
Im back tracking abit but i need to document the weekend when my guy best friend came down for a weekend in april before it escapes my shitty memory ok so it all started off so innocently then with the help of waitrose vodka it all turned a tad shady
So after getting ready at my crib (consuming a few shots of the oh so lovely neck stiffening waitrose vodka) we made are tipsy way to the rumba (how did u guess i took my boy there lol) so we got the star treatment as usual veronika let us in and zarmella took our jackets but then the serious drinking began (do i ever learn......not wen my manchy jews come down) so my boy got us a bottle of white wine, u would think that would b ok to drink but 4 future reference white wine and vodka dont mix!!!!! we downed that bottle between us then i started on the double vodka and diet cokes which our lovely kosivan immigrant bar man bash no doubt spiked and nach started on the beer. we got drunker and drunker then my ikkle nachy couldnt handle the pace of beer and went onto smirnoff ices (bless him dont worry ladies i will improve his alcohol tolerance in the summer) me and nach mashed dancing is a funny site then the only thing mashed mel (turning into melanie with no site of zarmella thank g-d lol) remembered nach saying at least 10 bloody times was "why does smirnoff ice taste of diet coke and lemon" i actually didnt have an answer for this and just go cos they r both made of lemons i now realise how plebby that sounded. then the rest of the night gets a bit hazy i think its from the rohypnol (private joke i know a little distasteful but well ....bothered) i remember me and nach dancing and me in my fuck me pumps (do i ever learn) falling about alot then the next morning nach filled me in with the rest of the events i am dubious to believe him but i do have drunken texts from him confirming the rest of the evenings state of affairs oh the embarrasment but here goes...
so nach is too fucked to even stand so i take him to sit down and like the true friend that i am i fuck off to go find veronika cos i wanted more of a dance (actually have no recollection so please dont judge) then after apparently an hour and after receiving many cryptic texts from nach i went to see how he was i decided to take him home......but wait for it......the drunken pleb that was melanie (oh boy was zarmella about to break loose) wanted to return after taking nach all the way back to south ken. so i go to zarmella to get the coats, nach said i went into the cloakroom alone with zarmella (whos actual name is tamara fook knows how the name confusion came about) for half an hour in the morning on hearing this i freaked out cos earlier in the evening wen we were of sober state and mind i told nach about zarmellas infatuation with me and how i tend to dyke it forward with her to get the cloakroom for free (yes i am a classy lady) anywho nach dared me to get off with her so u know when your drunk u r extremely easily influenced. so the impending question for 2 weeks was what did i do in the cloakroom with zarmella for half an hour i was dreading going bk to the rumba but wait thats for a later story let me stay in chronological order (oh how history alevel helped me do that my arse the wankshaft that is mr leventhall) so i got nachs jacket and left mine in the cloakroom making a statement that i shall b returning so we practically fell out of the club and attempted r way home 4 some reason the bus stop right outside the rumba didnt appear useful what drunken plebs so instead the smart arses that we r respond to a random guy asking us if we wanted a taxi. the drunken jew within me got in his car cos he said he would take us to south ken and me back to the rumba for 15 quid which is a bloody good deal (in hindsight not such a good idea but hey i was drunk) so apparently again no recollection but the whole way home i go to nach i have to go back to the rumba i need to see veronika i need to go and pull her egggggggggggg oh the drunken dyke is out of control so we got to south ken and i stupidly go to the driver right im gonna leave my handbag in your car so u wont leave (but wouldnt that make him more likely to leave shit i was lucky this guy was a ledge i could have seriously benn fooked over the only thing missing from my handbag in the morning was my blusher brush but i have a feeling he didnt steal that it fell out of my bag and if he did take it credit he didnt take anything else) so i took nach to my room and went bk to the rumba as i got out of the taxi outside the rumba i fell over ohm i blame it on the shoes and yes jade while i was lying on the floor in pain i put my hand up and said im not drunk ohmmmm so the g-dsend that was the taxi driver picked me up (i so gave him a hernia shit mem was it u lol) and handed me over to the bouncer who took me to find veronika i dont rememeber anything that happened inside the rumba after that i just pray i didnt make a move on veronika but she hasnt mentioned it so i think its all good in the hood the druken dyke within me didnt strike. somehow after the rumba finished veronika put me into my bus and all i remember is saying to the whole bus and i mean the whole bus that i need to get off at harrods so wen harrods came up about 10peeps told me to get off i love londoners (even tho they were prob all foreigners) my drunkdar is ledge cos i managed to find my way home from harrods but in the process i had to do my nightly drunken ritual of calling my jadey so the whole way home i declared my undying love for her........again will my obsession ever stop lol so im still on the phone to jade wen i get home and trip over nachs fat arse while he is asleep on my floor and i fell onto my bed for some reason i found this hysterical and spent the next five minutes while i hung up from jade and got into bed laughing. so to sum up this epic story i woke up fully clothed with my make up all smudged a huge cut on my elbow and my knee and the worst hangover of my life and seeing nach looking rough as fook so i washed off all my make up looked at nach seeing his shocked face at how rough i looked so i had a shower and got ready for my starbucks hangover cure with nachum going shit make up is really good for girls hey so thanx nach for the most incredible memories u r my boy for life and why does smirnoff ice taste of diet coke and lemon who the fook knows...........

So I am sat in the lib at 4.30am with ceri forcing me to write my fooking profile so here goes tipsy mel trying to explain herself!!!!
I am not as "lyrically blessed" (Esterkin, J. 2005) as the oh so great ceri but i shall try.
I am an Amy Winehouse obsessive and my girlies still love me i know shocking isnt it. For a while now they have been worried about my dykeish tendencies with my unconventional love for the Winehouse but yet they still allow me to drink lambrini in their company. However my latest obssession is finally a man the one and only Tyler James however is this even more plebby of me then being obsessed with the Winehouse. After all she has crediblity in the music industry (and looks a tad like me if u were really drunk didnt look directly at me and squinted i swear we are the image of eachother does that suggest i am obssessed with myself) however Tyler James is a comercial pop star and I an 18 year old girl am in love with him and i am convinced i shall marry him and have his babies shit how cliche i am such a 13 year old loser.
Onto my next obssession (notice the trend i have quite an obssessive personality) the rumba or people less familar with the oh so great club known as bar rumba. Basically two cut an incredibly long entertaining story short. I am in love with the bar rumba friday night guestlist girl solely because she is a jew and looks like the Winehouse. The cloakroom lady formally known as Zarmella now known as Zamara (her real name) she is in love with me and wants me all over her like a rash and i think drunk mel also known as melanie kinda wants a bit of zarmella action oh the drunken dykeishness one has to stop. Another tangled web i enjoy weaving is pulling the barman Bash (kosovan immigrant) well he does give me free drinks which we suspect he spikes. From this spikage i then become paralytic in the rumba which eventually  got me barred. I finally got back into the rumba last friday night when i had to tell the bouncer that i actually do not have a drinking problem (do I?) and i had the best tipsy night (no falling over).
then there is my obssession with peter kaye (yes i am a northerner) a proud manch!!!! My constant referals to his comedy sketches does get some what irritating but one likes a bit of milkage now and again hey.
Well this short but fascinating story pretty much sums up my life one shall write more when i can be arsed and its not 6 in the fooking morning

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Where one will find me under the influence of the oh so great lambrini

The Winehouse my first obsession and my future best friend

the future husband and my current obsession

18th april
So i just back to London now from my home town of Manchester yes i am a manchy jew through and through it was a good chilling hol catching up with all my peeps from 6th form and having argument after argument with the mother cos she cant handle the fact that i have become more independent since coming to uni. the thing she cant get her head around is that i keep my phone on at nite and that i get calls at 4 in the morning (Jadey) but my peeps always seem to need me at that hour and anyone that knows me knows my obssession with my phone so mother please dont tell me to turn it off at night so i dont wake you by speaking on it its as if your taking away my soul. so im glad to be back in london so peeps feel free to call me at a ridiculous hour u know how i buzz off it.
my reason for coming back to london a week early is to start revision but fuck that shit i havent even opened a book i just cant wait for the rumba on friday lol but dont worry mandy i shall be staying away from zarmella being in manch has made me realise i want a man nothing else lol and i mean nothing else but melanie might want other things so be careful she is a force to be reckoned with.
i will keep u posted on my drunken situations if i remember them the next day so until then xxx
 
 
20th April
Woke up with bruises, unsure from where, two pints of milk and no recollection of how many men I pulled last night. Think I have a disease. Had convo with Ceri and realised how much we pissed of Mandy last night being immature twats, and we reminisced over our drunken rampage round Knighstbridge last night, which consisted of <see Ceri's page for further details>. Today I had to go and console my sister before  she goes and gets another tattoo. The rest of what I did was boring. My sister and Veronika met, and they like each other. And what else happened? Oh and then we had munchies and I had a sugar rush and now I have sugar blues. Signing off x x x 

A  barren  couple  who's  unborn  children  would  be grubby  students  by  now ?
Take  us  on  holiday!