Let's face it, time is money, money is alcohol, thus is alcohol is time or has this shoddy piece of prose lost its direction
already? Probably the latter. Ok, anyway, so you want to get fucked, and you want results fast, and no, you don't want to
have to stoop to intravenously plying yourself with ethanol... so how is it done?
Ok the first rule of fucked club is you do talk about fucked club, because when you're mashed off your gourd
this odd obsession will inevitably take over you to tell not only the world, his wife, mary, j christ, and that other
religious one, but probably throw in allah and buddah too, cos god be damned, you are fucked and someone has
to know about it.
Second rule, let's revisit the ole eating is cheating gem. Now your science teacher will tell you lining your stomach
is good on a number of reasons, but have you ever considered why this motley supposition is or how this affects your buggeredness?
Think about it, she is an old bag who has not likely known the true pleasure of a good battering for many a year and will
no doubt envy your youthful ability to binge-as-u-like. Secondly, lining the stomach, good in theory (who doesn't like food?)
I can accept that, but let me warn you now it soaks up the alcohol you have been acidifying your tastebuds to binge
and thus it is wasting your best drinking efforts! Let not this sober fact be ignored. So stay wise, keep eating
to a minimum (think Kate Moss with Michelle McManus's newfound willpower and you've got it) and regale in the fact that you're
sharing your booze with your blood supply alone, not with some beer hungry crap food you no doubt burnt then ate earlier just
cos you were following the advice of some science teacher.
Third rule, choose your drinks wisely. And I don't mean stroke your beard at the bar a bit then buy a bacardi breezer.
NO! Ok I feel I'm allowed to say straight off, anything in a 330ml bottle, no fucking way mate. Yes girls,
it makes you look 'feminine' (like a tart) or 'spritely' (underage), and guys that's definitely a 'compact' (gay) and
'handy sized' (whussy) bottle of beer you're holding, but think about what you're doing to yourself in terms of alcohol content.
Fuck all is the answer. Don't let me do the Maths for you cos I'll inevitably embarrass myself, but you're better off going
for a pint rather than a 330ml of 5% because the one aids your smooth transition to bollocksedness, whereas the other you
spend all night working out just what is the optimum way of drinking out of this thing and should I strawpedo it (no you fucking
shouldn't ok that's sooo 2002).
Another pointer, be booze value savvy and work out roughly how much ethanol you're getting for your pound sterling because
the results may surprise you. I don't want to sound biased or anything, but for pre pub booze bashing Lambrini should be high
on your list of priorities, cheap, accessible, drinkable, mixable, and a handy 7.5%. Nuff said.
Drinks to avoid - gin, makes you a bad kind of drunk and I don't know why; tequila - come on who here has ever bought
some whilst sober? Guys tend to buy you these when they buy you a drink and you neck it cos it's free, fair enough, but I
warn thee it doth taste of camel's piss and it gets you violent not drunk; martini - just not worth it for the pitiful alcohol
Drinks to check out - anything mixed, and I mean anything, with the glaring omission of something obviously piss-take
such as a mix of lemonade and cola. You knows what I'm talking about, turbo shandy (beer and smirnoff ice, the one example
of an ok time to be seen with a bitch piss in hand), dirty snakebite (as usual but with double vodka accidentally knocked
in so no one questions your alcohol problems), vodka martini (if you can handle it baby).
There's plenty more to say on the subject but the rest is all common sense. Drink fast, drink cheaply, don't throw up
(just imagine puking up your valuable drunk-drug, now there's a thought to scare you), don't do rounds (you might get arse
raped by a friend who's out to get even more mashed than you, and on your good grace), accept free drinks, steal drinks off
strangers, avoid water.
This article is dedicated to all those who have ever followed the above advice, amen.